One of our deepest wishes is that we will not be a burden to others when we are dying.

“If I could die with a bit of dignity, and not take up too much of other people’s time, I would be happy, is commonly said by person after person in studies of older people’s attitudes to dying.

I learned a great deal about this from my mother. Before her death, she sorted everything out. She left me handy instructions about the practical things I would need to know when she died.

It was her way of letting go. It was also a great act of kindness. By putting together a little file with everything I would need – including vital phone numbers – she did all she could to make it easy for me to clear up after her, as it were.

I’ve since found out that most people don’t do that. The majority of people die without even making a will. The result is that a tremendous burden falls on others – often the people we love most.

As soon as we die, there is a lot to take care of. Someone will have to arrange our funeral, deal with our home, sort out our belongings and close our bank account.

The entire paper and electronic trail of our lives is involved: birth and marriage certificates, insurance and mortgage forms, credit cards and personal papers.

Just think how much easier it would be if everything were gathered together in one place with any instructions we want to leave behind. That would lift a huge burden from the shoulders of our carers. Everything could be sorted out easily, properly and as we wish.

There’s a very practical way of doing this. I’ve done it myself and I’d like to encourage everyone else to do the same. I keep a big yellow file near my telephone. The magic marker on the label says simply: DEATH. It’s my death file. I do my best to keep it up to date. It’s got everything in it that anyone would need if I died at any moment.

Starting a Death File

“Keep it simple” is the starting principle. You don’t have to put absolutely everything in the file. You don’t have to worry if it’s not complete. Just getting started with the essentials will make a big difference.

I recommend a large folder – computers and other gadgets are unreliable and your carers will need to carry the file and its contents around when it’s needed.

Don’t be secretive about your death file. Tell your relatives, friends or carers that you are making such a file. Tell them where it is. If there are things you don’t want anyone to read until after your death you can keep them sealed. You can always deposit documents with a lawyer (making sure that the lawyer’s contact details are in your file, of course!).

If you can’t put the file together yourself, this is a great thing to ask someone to help you with. It won’t be a burden for them: they’ll know this is important and that it’s a sign of the trust you have in them.

You can begin with some absolutely basic details:

(1) Who do you want to be told about your death? It’s a great help if you put their addresses and phone numbers in your file.

(2) Is there anything you particularly want someone to have – like a piece of your jewellery or a treasured book or photograph? It’s important to be clear about these gestures of love and appreciation

(3) Do you want to leave a message for anyone? It might be a thank you, an expression of forgiveness, a letter of reconciliation or a last love note. (You can always put very personal information in a sealed envelope in your file.)

The great thing about putting this in a file is that you don’t have to do it all at once. You can add anything, you can take anything out and you can make any changes you want at any time. It’s a very personal record. You don’t need a lawyer or anyone else to get involved. You can build it up at your own pace.

One thing you can be sure of is that whatever you put in your file will make a difference. For example, often family and friends end up arguing about what to do after someone dies. They wonder what the dead person would have wanted. You can lift that burden by making this file for them.

Being of Help

Your file needs to have some basic documents that will be essential for dealing with all kinds of official paperwork after your death. You probably have all of these. It will be a real help to get them (or copies) together in your file:

(1) Your birth certificate

(2) Your marriage certificate

(3) A photocopy of your passport

(4) A record of your credit cards

(5) Insurance, mortgage or other important financial and legal documents

If you don’t want to put originals in your file for any reason, you can make photocopies – even of the first page – and attach a note saying where the originals are.

If you have any of the following, include them (or copies of them) in your  

file:

(1) Your will (or a note of where you have deposited your will)

(2) Your living will (or advance directive) and power of attorney which authorizes a person you nominate to act on your behalf if you are unable to make decisions yourself towards the end of your life

(3) Your organ donation authorization

(4) Your pre-paid and other funeral plans

There is other information that will be extremely useful in your death file. You can add this as you build up your file:

(1) The name and numbers of your bank accounts, credit cards and other financial facilities you use.

(2) The information that will help deal with any investments or properties you may have.

A Final Appeal

Please don’t die without making a will. You can get an ordinary will form in any chemist or stationery shop. Your will need only be one sentence long with your signature and the signature of a witness. It can be written and signed in a matter of minutes. It ensures that the government, your bank and all other institutions know who is responsible for handling your affairs after your death and anything particular you want done with what you own. It’s that straightforward.

But if you die without a will – no matter how little you own – you will tangle your family or carers up in courts, squabbles and red tape for months or even years. That’s a burden none of us should impose on anyone.

Instead, we can do whatever we can while still alive to make our wishes clear. That will help as far as possible with the clearing up that will need to be done after we are gone. It’s a great act of kindness and it’s something we can all do!

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Source: Based on an article entitled “Not Being a Burden” by Richard Reoch, taken from Buddhist Reflections on Death, Dying and Bereavement, compiled and edited by Michael Lewin,published by The Buddhist Hospice Trust.

https://buddhisthospice.org.uk/books/

This is a collection in book form of short articles from a range of dharma-practitioners, 21 in all, who “share their thoughts and feelings with us on the issues of death and dying”. It is aimed at anyone who is touched by these issues.

This is not an academic or dogmatic text written only for Buddhists. The universal themes and varied perspectives make this accessible to anyone.

It is inspirational, meditative, practical, personal, and even humorous.

Written from each contributor’s own perspective and personal experience, it is a source of strength and comfort which should reach right to the heart of anyone reading it and be a source of inspiration to anyone touched by death, regardless of their spiritual beliefs.

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